The Hamburger Files
by Kegogi
Summary: The summer before Harry and Ron's fifth year, they decide to get lunch at McDonald's and visit a local electronics store. Due to Ron's meddling, both are sucked into another universe where stupidity runs rampant (also known as the good ol' town of Whitman
1. Mc Whatsit's?

A.N: Please don't ask me where I got this idea, or WHY I wrote this... It was for a friend *coughPYROcough* of mine. This idea was purely from her sick, twisted little mind... I have just twisted it even more! *malicious laugh* NOW! *holds up arm and points finger* TO THE DICLAIMER!!! (and, no, 'diclaimer' is NOT spelled wrong... it is a joke... a very funny one at that.)

Disclaimer: Nothing in the story (i.e. characters, magical....er...thingies) belongs to me. They belong to the magnificent J.K. Rowling. McDonald's belongs to McDonald's... or whatever... TV's belong to whoever invented them... Parallel universes belong to the Twilight Zone. Julie MacInnis belongs to my friend Jewlz (a.k.a. Pyro or Mad Eye Julie on FF.net) because it IS her. Only the pathetic plot belongs solely to me. Don't sue me, or I will bite you once I get on a sugar high again. *MmMmMmMm... Sugar...* Or I might just ask for your spleen... whichever happens, I ASSURE you that it will NOT be pretty!

THIS FANFICTION IS DEDICATED TO JEWLZ!

The Hamburger Files

By Kegogi

Chapter One: Mc _Whatsit's_?

Once upon a time, in a land, far, far over the ocean, there were two friends. One of them was the famous Harry Potter, a young wizard extraordinaire. Both of his parents were killed, when he was nothing more that a little babe in a crib, by the infamous Lord Voldemort (or You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and a whole other assortment of useless, meaningless names). But, when Voldemort (or You-Know-Who, if you prefer) tried to turn his wand on the helpless infant, his curse rebounded onto him, and his power broke... Some say that he merely ran away, scared, powerless, broken... Others say that he died... Still others believed that he wandered around as nothing more than a ghoulish sprit. We all know now that the first rumor was true, but our story takes place during his second rise to power... 

Then of course, there was Ronald Weasley, the red haired, freckled, gangly one. Ever since his first year at Hogwarts, he had been living under Harry's shadow. Even though he was a good ten inches taller that Harry, no body seemed to notice him. So over the years, Harry and Ron's friendship wavered and became strong again, only to start the cycle once more. But in the time that our little fanfiction takes place, their friendship is stronger than ever...

"Ron!" Harry yelled as he tried to wade through the bustling crowd, "Ron, I'm over here!"

Ron looked around in confusion, not knowing who had called him. The heavy rain dripped off of his long nose as he craned his neck to search the crowd for the voice who called him. He didn't see much of anything... Just fat, bald men in business suits wandering around talking on portable tellyferns. The tall, strict looking women strutting around confidently in tight business suits... Young teenage girls wearing high heels and baring their navels for the world to see (several of these young ladies winked impishly at Ron as they walked by). Ron even saw some of those eccentric new-age men who were dressed in what looked to be tree bark and animal furs, babbling about the world coming to an end by the year 2000, shaking their great, greasy heads about! Silly Muggles!

Finally, he found his best friend, hair plastered to his head with rain (or sweat, he couldn't tell which), trying to battle his way through the crowd. "Harry!" Ron threw one long, freckly arm into the air to act as a beacon for his friend to follow. Harry furiously tried to battle his way through the crowd of Muggles to reach the freckled arm, but to no avail. The women's 20-pound tote bags pounded into his chest like small wrecking balls, and the various umbrellas and walking sticks and briefcases kept poking his skinny stomach; he was simply too short, and the people simply brushed him off as if he were only a small child.

"Ron," Harry yelled over the noise, "Come over here! You can meet me in the McDonald's!"

"A Mc_What_?" Ron yelled back, "What's _that_?"several of the passing Muggles stared at him like he was a circus freak, but he ignored them. He saw Harry ducking into what looked to be a restaurant with a large golden M plastered above its door. "So _that's_ McDonald's," A few more looks from Muggles came his way.

Ron began to walk easily through the crowd. His amazing basketball-star height often did best in large numbers of people; he could easily see where to step, how many people were there, and just how to get them out of his way. Steadily, he strolled up to the large glass door of _McWhatsit's_ and pulled it open. What he saw amazed him.

Greasy wood peeked at him from every corner as did many tan-colored tables. Teenage Muggles ran around behind a counter at the far end of the restaurant, their funny-looking blue and red uniforms blurring together. Two of them accidentally bumped into each other, and one of them dropped a platter of what looked to be _frozen_ chicken all over the floor. A few more Muggles waiting in line wrinkled their noses in disgust; one of them mumbled something about reporting them to the management. But Ron didn't see anything wrong. That food could easily be cleaned by using a Sanitation Charm. _Silly Muggles_ he thought.

"Ron!," Ron spun around on the spot stupidly, trying to figure out who called his name. "Ron, do you plan to spend the whole day staring at everyone with your mouth wide open?" Harry was sitting in one corner of the restaurant, holding up a tray of food.

"Harry! This place is _amazing_!" Ron said as he sat down, "Wait 'til I tell dad and mum about this! They won't _believe _it! I mean, _look _at all of those posters! None of the pictures _move_!"

Across the way, a little girl who had been listening in on the one-sided conversation leaned in close to her mother. "Mommy, has he gone nutters?"

"I don't know dear. Now don't stare at the boy and start eating," came the mother's hushed reply.

"Harry, _Harry!_" Ron asked.

"Wha—huh?" Harry had been smirking at the conversation going on at the next table.

"What's this?" Ron held up a long, thin plastic tube.

"Oh, that," Harry said, "That's a straw. You put it in the lid of the cup like this—" He demonstrated by poking the straw through a few slits in the flat piece of plastic. "Now you try."

Ron unwrapped another straw and took the other cup. Squeezing the paper cup in one hand, he held the straw in the other. Carefully taking aim, he roughly jammed the straw through the lid. The straw went in, but not without a good amount of coke splashing up in Ron's face. "_Amazing,_" he gasped. Slowly, the smile faded from his face. _Now what? _he thought.

Ron stared at the paper cup a few moments longer. 

"Ron, what's the matter?" Harry asked looking up from his BigMac. 

"Oh, nothing," Ron answered. He stared at the cup a little bit more.

"Ron, that's called a drink. Don't tell me you don't know how to use one.."

"Of course I do!" Ron sniffed indignantly. He suddenly grabbed the cup roughly and turned it upside-down over his mouth.

"NO! _RON!_" Harry wailed.

A great torrent of cola splashed all over Ron's face, some getting up his nose, more getting in his eyes, and even less hitting target in his mouth. Ron sputtered in complete surprise. The soda dripped off of his chin and nose and onto his already soaked T-shirt, and his hair became plastered to his forehead. "_Amazing!_" Ron said again.

Harry moaned and put his head in his hands. _This was a very bad idea, _ Harry thought, _I should have just gotten him a bottle of water... _"Ron, why don't you go to the bathroom to clean up," he said aloud.

Ron happily jumped out of his seat and grinned. "I'll be right back."

As soon as he was out of earshot, the woman with the young girl leaned over to Harry. "It's a very decent thing you're doing, taking care of a friend like that. I bet your mother and father would be very proud." She smiled warmly at him, the mascara on her eyes clumping together slightly. Harry only smiled weakly back. 

"Well, I'd better go see how he's doing," Harry said by means of an excuse.

Harry got up and began to walk to the back of the restaurant. The lady didn't know just how much her comment hurt him. Ron certainly wasn't _subnormal_, just a bit surprised. And Harry's parents _certainly_ weren't going to be proud of him. They were _dead_, after all.

"Ron," Harry asked when he got to the loo. He didn't hear an answer through the door. "Ron?" He asked again. "Don't make me come in there!" Losing his patience, Harry swung the door open. What he saw shocked him.

Ron was standing in front of the hand dryer, having it blow up into his face... Or at least that's what YOU'D think.

"_RON!"_ Harry yelped. He hurried over to his friend worriedly. If anybody saw _this_...

Ron had the air spigot turned downward and had somehow managed to tuck it into his pants. The gust of warm air rushed down Ron's pant leg and was beginning to inflate it. Ron turned around and grinned, "So _this _is what this was for! _Drying your pants!_" 

Harry went over and dragged his friend away from the air dryer. "No, Ron. You let those air dry. You dry your face and hands with that."

"But I already have," Ron said, "but now my face is all sticky, see?" He ripped off a piece of paper towel from the dispenser and pressed it against his face. The little scrap stuck like a fly to flypaper.

Harry slapped his forehead with his palm. He forcefully pushed Ron over to the sinks. "Wash your face," he commanded. Ron did so, and Harry handed him a paper towel.

"_Fascinating,_" Ron said.

Taking Ron by his shirt collar, Harry dragged him out of the bathroom. Still practically hauling him along, Harry plopped Ron down back into his seat. The lady at the other table gave Harry another crinkly-eyed smile. Harry smiled back nervously. "Ron, just eat the damn burger," he whispered hoarsely, "My face is getting tired from smiling,"

The lady at the other table frowned. With a soft "Hrrumph," She practically dragged her five year old daughter out of the chair and stomped out madly. 

"But mummy," the little girl wailed, "I wanna see what happens to the crazies!"

Ron looked alarmed, "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," Harry lied. "Eat your burger."

Ron lifted the BigMac to his mouth and took a large bite. The warm, juicy hamburger filled his mouth with the other condiments. The juicy tomatoes and onions and lettuce were so delicious. But there was only one thing missing. 

"Harry, I still need a drink."

Harry glared up at his friend through his dark fringe. He scowled for a moment, a silent battle being waged in his head. _Should I give Ron another soda? No, I shouldn't... We don't really want another episode, do we? But I can't just let my friend go thirsty... Why couldn't I have led him to the Leaky Cauldron? _"Fine," Harry finally said out loud. 

Heavily, he stood up and walked over to the soda fountain. selecting a smaller cup this time (just in case Ron decided to spill it again. It wouldn't make THAT big of a mess) he filled it once more with Coca Cola, and poked the straw through its lid.

"Here," he said slamming the cup down on the table. 

"Thanks Harry," Ron said cheerily. He took the cup in his hand and prepared to turn it upside-down.

"WAIT!" Harry yelped. 

Ron stopped midway, "What?"

"Ron, you just suck on the straw, that's all."

"Oh, I knew that," Ron said sheepishly. 

"Of course you did," came Harry's tired reply. 

A/N 2: Annnd, that's it for chapter one! Ok, just break it to me nice and easy... *cringes* It SUCKS, doesn't it? DOESN'T IT? DON'T LIE TO ME!!! I can sense unfaithfulness, and when I do I'll sic my pretty little Tom Riddle on you! BWAAAHAHAHAHA! Or, you could just tell me my story is the best you've read in a long time and it provided comic relief. If you could do that, you'd give a great boost to my already overly-inflated ego... Can you do that? PRETTY PLEASE?


	2. The Fun Begins!

A.N: Please don't ask me where I got this idea, or WHY I wrote this... It was for a friend *coughPYROcough* of mine. This idea was purely from her sick, twisted little mind... I have just twisted it even more! *malicious laugh* NOW! *holds up arm and points finger* TO THE DICLAIMER!!! (and, no, 'diclaimer' is NOT spelled wrong... it is a joke... a very funny one at that.)

Disclaimer: Nothing in the story (i.e. characters, magical....er...thingies) belongs to me. They belong to the magnificent J.K. Rowling. McDonald's belongs to McDonald's... or whatever... TV's belong to whoever invented them... Parallel universes belong to the Twilight Zone. Bay Watch belongs to whoever made it up. Julie MacInnis belongs to my friend Jewlz (a.k.a. Pyro or Mad Eye Julie on FF.net) because it IS her. Only the pathetic plot belongs solely to me. Don't sue me, or I will bite you once I get on a sugar high again. *MmMmMmMm... Sugar...* Or I might just ask for your spleen... whichever happens, I ASSURE you that it will NOT be pretty!

THIS FANFICTION IS DEDICATED TO JEWLZ!

The Hamburger Files

By Kegogi

Chapter Two: The Fun Begins

After that eventful lunch, Ron began to get restless. He started to kick the booth he was in was such a force that Harry just could not eat any longer. Finally, he had had enough. "Ron," Harry started with a sigh.

"Yes?" Ron asked innocently. His two feet that were just moments ago pummeling the poor booth stopped abruptly.

"You about ready to go?"

"Sure, Harry. You're the one who brought me here. You have all the right in the world to drag me out..." Ronald said, "Besides, I was finished ages ago... You, Harry, eat like my mother did while she was on her diet a couple years ago. It used to take her over an hour to eat a salad."

Harry scowled at this remark. So what if he ate like a five-year-old. Even the greatest of Wizarding geniuses were entitled to their flaws. After all, Dumbledore liked CHAMBER music....

Harry stood up slowly and stretched his knobby legs. Had it been one minute or one hour since he last got up? Whatever it was, he was pretty sure it was a pretty long time thanks to his atrocious eating habits. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So," Ron asked a half an hour later, "Where are we going to go next?"

"I dunno," he admitted, "I really don't know what we're going to do next." Harry slowly rubbed his temples. Before they left, he had let Ron get another refill on his soda. Harry now regretted this full-heartedly; Ron still hadn't mastered the Art of the Straw yet. Little rivulets of soda still kept dribbling down the corners of his mouth and onto his once-white T-shirt, and it took all of Harry's will power not to run away or laugh... 

The two friends walked together in silence. That is until Ron saw the display in Emerson's Electronics.

"Wow! Harry wait up!" Ron called.

Harry turned around to tell his friend to get a move on but stopped. What he saw nearly made his heart still. Ron was staring at the window of an appliance shop, and across of all the little T.V's in the window, his image ran. The tall redhead gawked in amazement. Slowly lifting up his right hand, he wiggled it around a bit. The T.V. Ron did the same, and Ron jumped back in surprise. "Harry, come ON!" he said more forcefully.

Harry shook his head, "No, Ron, we don't have TIME." That of course was a total lie. Both boys still had plenty of time to be out still. But Harry shuddered. Ron just touching an electrical device with a ten-foot pole spelled trouble.

"C'mon Harry!" Ron ran over and grabbed his friend by the shirt collar. "Can we just have a look?"

Harry shook his shaggy head forcefully no, and struggled to get out of his grasp. Ron held on tight however, so Harry shook harder. "HARRY!" Ron gasped in exasperation, "Don't be a big wet prat!" Harry's patience was wearing thin now; he didn't know how much more he could take before deciding to whip out his wand and cast a Full-body Bind on his friend. _To Hell with the Ministry of Magic,_ he thought.

"_HARRY_!" Ron was going red in the face now, but Harry kept his ground. He wouldn't go into that store even if his life depended on it. He knew that as soon as he gave in, both of their lives would most likely be put in jeopardy. However, Ron seemed to be the one who got impatient. With a great jump, he knocked over the smaller boy and beat him to the ground. All around, Muggles began to watch with great interest, but Ron didn't notice. The two boys tumbled over onto the concrete sidewalk and rolled a couple of feet. Harry was trying with all of his might to hold out against his friend, and succeeded in hitting him in the nose, yet Ron managed to pin him to the ground. "We're going into Emerson's Ee-lick-tronics NOW," he panted breathlessly.

Harry nodded silently and pushed Ron off of him. The Muggle who had gathered for the fight began to disperse, but not without a good amount of gossip. _Who was that tall red-haired man, _and _what happened to them, _and of course, _why couldn't one of them talk right? _Harry of course heard all of these, and he wanted to tackle some of those Muggles for being so thick. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs that Ron was a wizard, and that he didn't need ee-lick-tronics. He wanted to scream to GOD for letting him give in. Now all Harry had to do was pray that he and Ron will get out of the store alive.

Ron grabbed Harry by his shirt collar to make sure that he didn't get away and walked calmly to the door of the shop. He looked as if nothing had happened, and he was even winking at the pretty young girls who were looking strangely at him. They all tossed their golden locks and laughed.

Harry's face was burning as Ron opened the door to the electronics store and held it open for him. "Ladies first," he joked.

"Shut up," Harry hissed under his breath. Ron was making fun of him just because he lost a fight. Harry roughly grabbed Ron's arm and threw him into the store.

Ron stumbled a bit. Then his eyes lit up. The shop was absolutely filled to the top with every type of electronic device you could find. Ron ran through the aisles, dragging Harry with him and pointed at each thing as they passed.

"What's this?" he asked Harry.

"That would be a telephone," Harry answered calmly.

"A tellyfern..." he slowly reached out to stroke its shiny plastic surface. Then he picked up the receiver. "What do you do with it?" 

"You use it to talk to other people. Even if they're half-way around the world."

Ron's face brightened. "Oh yeah! I remember this! Hermione tried to teach me how to use one a few years back! You remember, dontcha Harry?"

Harry grimaced but nodded. During the summer before his third year, Ron had dared to call the Dursley household in hopes of talking to Harry. He could still remember being able to hear Ron's voice coming from the receiver from over ten feet away. And it was most unfortunate that Uncle Vernon had been the one to answer. 

But Harry was surprised to find out that Hermione had taught Ron how to use the phone. He figured that she'd have the sense to tell him not to yell.

"What's that?" Ron asked again.

"That's a VCR, Ron. People use it to play things called videos."

"A Vee-See-Are," Ron repeated, "What's that?"

"That's a computer,"

"Aaaah. A kumpooter."

"Right, Ron."

"What's this?"

"That's a computer too. Called a laptop."

"Oh. A taplop." Ron hurried down the aisles, pointing out different gadgets and whatnot, asking what each of their names were in turn. Every now and then, he would mumble something like, Silly Muggles under his breath. Many of those things he considered stupid and useless and utterly boring. "I mean, who would want to play with a little _rimoke_-controlled car when they could drive a real one?"

At the back of the store though, Ron stopped cold. He let his jaw drop to the floor, and his blue eyes went wide. In front of him was a huge big-screen TV in all its glory. On the screen, there was an ocean scene with pretty women in bikinis waving from the beach. Ron waved back, dazed, his mouth still wide-open.

"Er... Ron?" Harry said, "that's a television. Those girls aren't really here you know."

Ron turned red as one of the girls giggled and started to dance on the screen. "Uh huh."

"Ah, gentlemen. I see you've witnessed the wonders of the ZenoBox 5000," said a greasy voice from behind.

Harry jumped, startled. That voice sounded too much like Snape's. _Stupid,_ Harry yelled at himself mentally, _Snape wouldn't dare go into the Muggle world. Stupid! Stupid!_ Harry spun around to look at the person who spoke. In front of him stood a tall, dirty-looking man in a rumpled sweatshirt with his shaggy brown hair falling into his eyes. It looked like he hadn't shaved in a week. Typical electronic junkie.

"Sorry about that," he said. He reached over to the ZenoBox and changed the channel. A football game between England and Portugal flipped on. Ron frowned.

The shaggy-looking salesman went on, "On slow days we tend to like to watch _Bay Watch_. Good ol' American show brings a lot of entertainment."

Harry nodded. He could see why. He was a bloody fifteen year-old boy, for crying out loud. 

The man continued on and on about the ZenoBox, and how it was the best TV of it's kind out there with high-quality digital picture and sound and the added features of being able to pause in the middle of a program with a bonus of 973 television channels and how it also had one-touch recording without the hassle of a VCR and how it housed a built-in DVD player with game console and the extra feature of a remote control which could be controlled with brain signals or....

Harry lost track of everything from there. He was more content in watching Ron fiddle around with the TV's controls. He had to make sure that nothing went wrong. He didn't want to end up having to buy the stupid thing if Ron broke it. 

Ron had his pointer finger on the button which flipped the channels up. All the stations were flipping by so quickly that you couldn't even see what they were. All you could make out was the channel number in the corner. 767, 768, 769, 770, 771, 772....

Harry turned back to the droning salesman. He noticed that the man obviously hadn't brushed his teeth in a day or two either. The man was probably too wrapped up in some video game.

Harry saw the channel numbers flip by out of the corner of his eye. 899, 900, 901, 902, 903, 904..... He heard Ron mumble, "Nine hundred bloody channels and nothing's on!" Harry knew that Ron was still looking for the channel with _Bay Watch _on, and he almost laughed. Ron didn't know that all he had to do in the first place was hit the down button once.

Suddenly, Harry caught a glimpse of an orange-colored spark coming from Ron's fingertip. It was immediately absorbed by the television. Another spark came out. It too was sucked up. Harry stole a glance at the salesman, hoping he hadn't noticed anything. Harry looked back again. Apparently Ron didn't know either.

Now the sparks were coming from Ron's fingers five of six at a time, and they were all being taken in by the TV. Harry knew that that wasn't good.

The salesman's head snapped up quickly, his eyes wide. He saw it. "Hey! Kid!"

Ron looked up at the man but it was too late. The sparks were now pouring from his hand and into the television. He tried to yank his hand away, but it seemed to be stuck. The channels were flipping by faster than ever now. All the numbers seemed to blur and twist, and suddenly the TV started to glow brighter and brighter. All the colors swirled together, and now the light form the TV was brighter than ever and—

Ron gave a hoarse cry as he was sucked through the screen, shattering the glass everywhere. At the last moment, he tried to grab Harry's hand to get out, but it was too late. Both he an Harry were flung through a tunnel of white light and twisting colors. The electronics shop was only a small dot behind them now, getting tinier and tinier every second. Harry tried to cry out, but it felt as if someone stuck their hand down his throat. He gagged. He could feel a great weight being pressed up against his chest as he was flung along the tunnel of colors.

Both boys could scarcely breathe now, their speed was so great. They hurtled endlessly down the lights, head over heels and three other directions at once. Ron flung his freckly arms out and tried to slow himself down, but he grimaced in pain. They couldn't touch the walls of the tunnel, or they'd hurt themselves. Now that message was clear.

Harry was beginning to get lightheaded now, and Ron was turning green. Suddenly, they were forced through a barrier of the brightest white light they had ever seen before in their lives and collided feet-first with a hard metal door. It flung open and both boys toppled gracelessly out onto a linoleum floor.

Harry groaned and sat up shakily. The room he was in seemed to be spinning around, and he couldn't get a decent look at it. He closed his eyes, starting to feel sick again. Beside him, Ron started to cough and looked around, dazed and confused.

"H—Harry.... W—where are we?"

A/N 2: That's a wrap on chapter two! Tell me what you think! Didja like the portal thingy? You did? Good! Now go review like good little boys and girls!


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